An Inside Joke Story

In a small village in the south of the country, there was a young man who loved to write. He would write about anything and everything: recounting the events of his day, making stories to tell to his family, or just write about the things he observed. One day, his mother asked him to go to the nearby market to pick up some items. She gave him a list, and set him on his way.

His JOURNEY began at the edge of the village, where one of the guards stood watch. He was a fine guard, but had poor vision due to the fact that he had BROKEN GLASSES. Upon seeing the young man approach, he merely saw a blurry figure, and whispered to himself worriedly, “Oh no. WHO’S THAT GUY?” He stood at the ready in case of a squabble.

“Who goes there,” he said once the young man was in ear shot.

“Um, it’s me, OFFICER HARVEY. I’m off to the market to retrieve items for my mother,” replied the young man.

He recognized his voice at once, “Ah! So sorry! I’ll open the gate for you!”

“Thank you sir.”

“Yes of course! Stay safe,” he said and the young man was off.

The path to the market was a fairly simple one, if a bit lengthy. Because it had such a wide variety of WHOLE FOODS the market’s seclusion was necessary otherwise it would be the TARGET of raiders and thieves. Even though he had made this trek many-a-time, he found himself distracted. Not paying close enough attention to the path in which he was going, he stumbled upon a small wooded knoll he had not seen before. It was incredibly secluded and filled with lush greenery. It felt almost magical. All of a sudden out of the corner of his eye he noticed something jump out from behind a tree stump!
It was a tiny little Leprechaun wearing tiny green slacks, a tiny green vest, and a tiny green hat atop his head.
“AHOY-DEE-HOY-DEE-HOY! What could ye be doin’, stumblin’ in me knoll?” he said. He had a high-pitched voice, but thick Irish accent, uncommon to the people of these parts. “I bet ye be after me gold! Is that it?” continued the Leprechaun. While incredibly rare, to the point of urban legend, Leprechauns have been reported by people on various occasions. It is said that upon encounter with one you will have a chance at winning his gold!

“My name be LARRY. Larry the Leprechaun. Well, if ye can answer me riddle, ye may have a chance at me gold. What d’ye say?”

“Ummm, sure! Why not!”

“AHOY-DEE-HOY-DEE-HOY! There it is! Alright!” Larry jumped onto the stump to be a little more intimidating, when in reality he was now just eye-level with the young man. “Ye ready? Here it is: I am open to people, open to air, open to nature, and those without care. What is open?”

The young man fancied himself a thinker. Yet he could not come up with an answer. Larry was getting impatient. He jumped off the stump and began to turn away as he said, “No answer? Well, I’ll be off then!”

Panicked, the young man looked through his parchment for a solution and read the first word he saw, “Pork!” He had read off of his mother’s item list, his face now red with embarrassment.

Larry stopped in his tracks, turned his head, and over his shoulder said, “What did ye say?”

“No way,” he thought. “Could I have said the right answer? Could it really be ‘pork?’ No, not ‘pork,’ but a word that sounds like ‘pork!’”

“Yeah, I’ve got it! It’s Park! THE PARK IS OPEN!”

Larry was silent. Could he have been wrong? Then all of a sudden, Larry twirled around, “AHOY-DEE-HOY-DEE-HOY! That’s correct! THE PARK IS OPEN GUYS!” At once a multitude of Leprechauns emerged from everywhere, all of different shapes and sizes. They ran over to the young man and threw pieces of gold at him. But they weren’t gold coins, instead golden leaves, clovers, and flowers. By the time they were all done, there was a pile of golden shrubbery in front of him.

“There ye are young man. Congratulations! Yer winnings come out to be about A NICE CUSHY FIVE THOUSAND! Spend it wisely, Tee-Hee.”

Bewildered and kind of deflated, the young man questioned, “Is that it?”

“That’s all we have for ye!”

Frustrated at his wasted time, the young man exclaimed, “GET OUT OF HERE LARRY!” and shooed him away.

Giggling and sneering, Larry tipped his hat and bowed a farewell to the young man and skipped away out of sight, “AHOY-DEE-HOY-DEE-HOY-HOY-DEE-HOY-DEE-HOY!”

The young man then found a path out of the grassy knoll, and oriented himself in the right direction. Given the time wasted, he was in a rush to get to the market fast and used a shortcut through a SECRET PLACE he had heard about. He happened upon a fence which indicated the entrance of the shortcut. There was a sign covered in vines and overgrowth which read, “DO...N...G.” He couldn’t help but squint his eyes as he read it. Not understanding what the sign was trying to say, and in a fervor to make up lost time, he ignored the sign and hastily hopped the fence. What he did not notice was that upon shaking the fence, much of the overgrowth had fallen off to reveal the message on the sign: “DO NOT GO FURTHER!”

As he continued on, the shortcut, comprised of a narrow path enveloped in a thicket of forest. He would every so often hear eerie noises: grunts, growls, and moans. They were faint and off in the distance, so he didn’t think too much of it. That was until he heard a shrill scream from not too far away. Panicked, he swiftly ran! The grunts and groans were getting louder, coming up from behind him! Finally he emerged from the thicket to see a house a few yards ahead. With the noises of something chasing him, he ran up to the house, found the door unlocked and stormed inside, slamming the door shut behind him!

He quickly looked around the house and saw a staircase to the second floor and noticed an interesting smell, almost of gas. Resting against the door, heart pounding in his chest, sweat dripping from his brow, he could hear the noises getting ever closer. Mustering all of his courage, he cracked the door open to look outside and saw them: a dozen or more ZOMBIES headed straight for the house! All of a sudden, before he could even shut the door, he felt a cold hand grab his arm and pull him!

“What the heck are you doing! Get away from there!” the voice said in a deep, Russian tone. It was a middle-aged gentleman wearing a military uniform. He dragged the young man up the stairs and into a barricaded room with a single window.

“What is going on?” exclaimed the young man.

“I am Sergeant BRONES, comrade. You have entered a military compound where we have contained the snow.”

“Wait, wait. WHAT THE HECK IS THE SNOW?”

“It is infectious outbreak of humans who are dead. They are cold and white, like snow, so we call them the snow.”

“Oh geez, how did this happen?”

“There is no time to explain. We are not safe here, we are like sitting DUCKS. Like CHICKENS trapped in coop, like…”

“Okay, okay, I get it. We’ve got to get out. But how?”

“Look out window.”

Just outside the window was the other end of the compound, and past the fence, at the bottom of a hill, was a coastline. The compound was facing the ocean!

“There is sail boat on docks we must take. It is only way to escape.”

“But there are zombies--err, snow, between the house and the edge of the compound. How will we make it?”

“Ah yes comrade. Only choice is we must FLY THE COOP!”

“Huh? What does that mean?” With a look of bewilderment, the young man started to notice that the barricades around the room were actually structural supports, ensuring the room would remain in one piece no matter what…

Just then the zombies entered the house, rushing up the stairs, mere feet away from them. Sgt. Brones flung open the door and yelled, “Get down and hold onto something!!!” He then threw a match which fell down to the first floor and ignited the gas tanks he had placed there. The entire house shook and erupted as the stairs disintegrated and the walls came tumbling down. The room, shaking was barely holding together as fire, debris, and smoke were all around them. Finally, collapsing under the burned support columns, the room landed with a thud on the first floor, mere feet away from the exit of the compound.

With his ears ringing and vision blurry, the young man tried to sit up. Sgt. Brones then emerged from a pile of debris and offered an outstretched hand, “Come on comrade, we must hurry, they will be soon to follow!”

Half limping, half running, the two of them made it to the fence. Just then zombies emerged from the debris and from around the house They were running straight toward them! Sgt. Brones helped the young man over the fence first. He landed on the other side with a thud, but then quickly rose to his feet only to see the zombies directly behind Sgt. Brones.

“Go comrade! Get to boat. They will not stop here. I will hold them off for you! Go!”

With barely the strength to keep going, the young man turned away and ran down the hill to the docks, blocking out the sounds of the zombies and his lost friend as best he could.

Upon arriving at the docks, he saw the sail boat there. It’s name written on the side: the FLYING PENGUIN. He hoisted the sail, let down the mast, and kicked of the pier, just as zombies appeared over the hill. Now he was adrift on the sea, not knowing how far away from his village he truly was.

It had been the better part of a day since he left, but it shouldn’t have been as dark as it was. That’s when the thunder cracked, and he knew it was a storm overhead. Thunderstorms were all too common for this part of the country, yet he had never experienced one on sea before.

The waves crashed against the boat. Controlling the direction wasn’t really much of an option, he merely had to go with whichever way the storm took him. He had always been okay with the ocean before, but right now, the swaying and swerving, whips and nae naes were almost too much to bear. Still, getting nauseous was the least of his worries, for capsizing was a real threat he needed to avoid.

After what seemed like an eternity, the storm finally subsided. Giving way to fresh, radiant SUNLIGHT. He took a moment to admire the beauty and closed his eyes to the warmth of the sun. Just then the boat rocked vigorously. He opened his eyes but didn’t see anything. Then, SPLASH! A torrent of water erupted right next to the boat. He turned his head and fixed his gaze upon the horizon. It was PIRATES! They were firing at him with cannons and would soon be upon him. He had no choice but to let them take him.

It wasn’t long before he was aboard the pirate ship, large hulking behemoth that it was. Surrounded by crewmen, they looked pleasant enough folk, save for their lack of teeth. Then the captain appeared.

“Oy! Who gave you permission to sail our waters laddie?”

“I--I was just trying to escape. The--There were these z--zombies and Sgt. Brones, and--”

“Ha! Zombies?! I’ve dealt with a few of them in me days. There are much worse things out there than a few dead bodies! Ha!”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I believe in ghost stories, cuz now I’m in one, huh?”

“Har har har! Twas fine joke that was! Ye seem like a fine lad. I have a wee wager fer ye. If yer willing to help me crew, I don’t mind taking ye where ye need to go.”

“Help the crew with what?”

“We just be tracking down our next pillage, and we could use all the help we could get. Won’t be but a detour off yer way.”

“I suppose I have no choice.”

“Aye! Aye! Good to hear! Ye can call me CAPTAIN BOUSSIAS. Welcome aboard the SLEEPING SIREN!”

The next few hours of the young man’s journey were comprised of helping out on the ship, exchanging pleasantries with the crew, and learning about the intricacies of “honorable thievery.”

“Attention crew, we be upon our target now. This sea wench has eluded us fer far too long! She has no need fer that treasure and it’s time we be taking it fer ourselves!”

It was evening time now. The ship came upon some docks where another pirate vessel rested. The coast was lined with inns, taverns, and shoppes. The Sleeping Siren docked and the crew, stealthily disembarked and followed Captain Boussias as he led them to the enemy pirate’s stronghold. Just a few yards inland, in the center of this port town, rest a huge tavern. Loud, music and frivolity could be heard from miles away.

Undetected the whole way through the town, the crew was now right up to the front doors of the large imposing tavern.

“Captain, wouldn’t it be smarter to sneak in undetected and pillage what we can, rather than knocking at the front door?” asked the young man.

“Have ye learned nothing? That not be our way!” Captain Boussias then kicked open the doors of the tavern as his crew flooded in with cutlasses raised.

“AY LADY!” he roared, bringing a silence to the night’s festivities. He scanned the center of the tavern for his target. “Show yerself wench! I know ye have what I’m looking fer. Now hand it over!”

A hush went over the tavern as a woman in the center stood up, those in front stepping out of the way to make room for their leader. She spoke, “I’m no lady and I’m no wench, I’m  SHERLYN, captain of the OILY OTTER and you’ve been after my prize for years! What makes you think I’ll give it to you now?”

“Well ye see, I thought about that, and that’s why I’ve brought this laddie here. Come on now!” He turned his body and rested his arm upon the young man’s shoulders, thrusting him in the forefront of the standoff.

“Uh-Umm, I’m not sure what to--” began the young man.

“Ha! This one here! You think this one’s gonna be able to succeed where you have failed?” retorted Captain Sherlyn.

“Go on now boy! I knew as soon as I met ye that ye had a talent fer the funny. Now use that sense o’ humor ye have and tell the captain a joke. Make it a mighty fine one at that!” said Boussias.

“Ummm, what?” said the young man, thoroughly confused.

“You see, Captain Boussias and I have a rivalry to see who is the funniest. But all of his jokes have been unable to make me laugh for years now,” explained Sherlyn.

“It’s not me fault! Ye got yerself entangled with that SHADOW MAN and now YOU BEAR THE MARK. YOU ARE CURSED! Not even the cleverest joke can make ye laugh,” Boussias said defensively.

“Whatever you say, you’re still not getting the treasure! Hurry up now boy, let’s see what you’ve got. But I’m warning you now, if YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, his whole crew will be resting with the fishes tonight!” threatened Sherlyn.

The young man stood in awe at the conversation that just transpired. But also thinking feverishly for something clever to say. Frazzled he said the only thing that came to mind, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Everyone in the tavern looked nervous. Both the crew of the Sleeping Siren and the Oily Otter, biting nails. Sherlyn stood, unamused.

After a pause that felt like an eternity, he spoke, “To get to the OTTER’s side.”

An audible groan was heard in the tavern. Captain Boussias smacked his face with a loud THUD! Unsettled rustling as the crew began to battle, and then…

“Pfft! AAHAHAHAHAHA!” bursted Sherlyn. “That was the dumbest joke, I have ever heard, AHAHAHAHA! Oh my, I can’t stop!”

Everyone stood in silence and shock. It had been years since the captain had laughed so furiously. Suddenly the entire room erupted in laughter at the sheer audacity to think that such a terrible joke was the key to breaking the curse.

“HAR HAR HAR! Great job laddie! ’Tis not what I expected, but it got the job done!” chuckled Boussias as he patted the young man on the shoulder. A sense of relief overcoming the young man, now knowing everything would be okay.

He waved goodbye to the crew of the Siren and Captain Boussias. He still couldn’t believe that the “prized treasure” that was sought after was merely a drawing Captain Sherlyn had done of the two of them together. It was sweet, but extremely bizarre. Then again his entire day had been one bizarre event after another. He was happy to finally just arrive at the market and get home.

The young man rushed because it was already dark. Luckily he arrived at the market just before closing. He quickly glanced at the list of items he needed just to have something to say, if asked. The clerk, wanting to close up said, “Hello. Welcome to the SECRET SPOT market. Unfortunately we are almost closed, so unless you already know what you need--”

The young man, having journeyed so far, out of breath and out of patience blurted out, “WHITE RICE!” and then handed him the list of items.

Taken aback, the clerk had no choice but to fill the order.

“I see there’s no nuts on here, was that a mistake?” asked the clerk.

“No, we don’t like nuts.” answered the young man.

Once again taken aback, the clerk replied, “Wha-What!? But EVERYBODY LIKES NUTS!”

“Not nuts, thank you.” said the young man shortly.

“Okay, well here’s everything. Would you be interested in signing up for our Club Member’s Discount card? You save 10% on every purchase! AHOWOHOWHOHA!” chuckled the clerk as he asked.

“Um, no. No thank you. I must be going home.” he said.

With that, the boy’s journey seemed to be complete, he need only return home to his family much later than intended. Only, because it was so late, it was also quite dark, making the trip home perhaps more perilous than what he had already experienced. He ventured on however, not wanting to worry his mother further.

The young man moved swiftly and made good timing. Eventually though, he came upon a part of the path that was completely enshrouded by trees, and clouds covered even the slightest sign of moonlight. All that remained was darkness. Whether it be his own manifestations, or something truly terrifying, he was not safe. He was surrounded by the darkness, it was tangible, thick, and suffocating. He could not go back, but he knew not how to go forward. The young man fell to his knees, afraid of what was to come next…

Suddenly, the clouds opened and a brilliant light shone upon the path. The light pierced the darkness and cleansed the boy of his doubt. In the rays of light, the young man could see an ethereal figure, with WINGS of gold. It was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. Just bearing witness to her, instantly filled the young man with joy, confidence, wonder, and...Love? Yes. He was overcome with feelings of love.

“I will follow you anywhere! Take me with you!” the young man pleaded.

The golden creature spoke, “You must continue on your own journey. I am merely here to show you the way.”

“But I am lost! I can’t go on without you!” he said.

“You already have the strength within you. Others you meet on your journey will help you along your way. Your life is a mystery yet to be revealed. You MUST EXPLORE THE...UNEXPLORED.” as the words left the creature’s mouth, so to, was she leaving the young man, rising back into the sky. And in an instant she was gone.

With the darkness faded, the boy could see where he was. Atop a hill across a blue lake, that’s where he felt his first heartbreak. Filled with an unexplainable sadness, yet a renewed strength to keep going, the young man pressed forward. Just over the hill lied his house. He had finally returned! The only question on his mind was, what comes next…?