My Inside
This isn't going to be fun, but it is going to be honest. As my hands shake while typing this, I want to preface what you're about to read: some of it are my thoughts on the world, humanity, and relationships, most of it, though is just my personal story. One important thing to say is, I wouldn't have come to the point of being able to write this if it wasn't for Bo Burnham's "INSIDE." If you want a visual representation for much of what I'm trying to say, please go watch it.
For many people, the year 2020 was a terrible year. For some, even the worst year of their lives. For me, it was... life changing. Some people know the stories. Others have heard, but they don't understand. Like many, I often put on a façade and pretended all was well, even if it wasn't. This is my coming out; my soul to bear for all to hear. I'm tired of keeping this inside.
In 2020, I lost my job, I was evicted, and I gained weight. Each of those greatly affected me, but none of it mattered, because I was able to hide from the world. The pandemic took so much, but it gave me an excuse to hide. I've always been introverted and enjoyed staying inside. As much as I loved hanging out with people, being around others depleted my energy. I picked my battles, and some of my greatest memories came from hangouts with my friends. But it's easy to see why the idea of quarantine didn't phase me. In fact, I was kind of excited. I only thought about what I was gaining, I didn't know what I'd lose...
I cried for months in the beginning. I was numb for months more after. At first, I mourned the physical things I lost. Then I felt the loss of future opportunities and experiences. Soon after I felt the loss of caring and passion for anything. As a result, I lost connection with my emotions. I was broken and I was scared. My anxiety defined me.
Just a couple years ago, I used to be friendly, funny, and self-assured. I could walk up to anyone, offer a hug, crack a joke, and make them laugh; at me, or with me, it didn't matter. I used to trick myself with a self-fulfilling prophecy: I believed I was confident, and therefore I was confident. This is how, even as a short, obese, nerdy guy, I never felt intimidated about asking someone out. About making quick friends. About asking for what I needed in a relationship. I knew my self-worth. I lost that too.
It's easy to have no self-worth when you have nothing to show for it. The idea that if I "went away" for a long period of time, it wouldn't affect anyone in my life, permeated my thoughts. "Oh no, no, of course that's not true!" It's one thing to hear the words, and entirely different to feel that truth within you; infallible, immovable, everlasting, just like the terrible truths of the world.
At this point I would like to bring up how, much of my depression and anxiety, I feel, is shared among those of my generation. The constant pressure to achieve and leave a legacy comes from our parents. The strong desire to forge a new path, irrespective of anyone's expectations comes from our younger generation. And here we are, stuck in the middle. Society didn't leave enough for us to fix the broken world left to us, and it feels like we're already being left behind. Whether you're still filled with anger, or have nothing left but apathy, you were made to suffer and it's not your fault, just your responsibility.
To see the pain of so many in the world, and to see so many people with the desire to still inflict more hurt on others should be enough to bring anyone to tears. You don't have to be religious to see that we are all deeply connected to one another on a level we still don't fully understand. I used to see magic in the world, literally. I no longer do, but that is my fault. If you want to, all you have to do is open your eyes, you'll see it too.
For me, I have realized I am no longer who I was. Too much has been broken and so much still needs fixing. I am healing everyday, but to what end, I cannot say. Will I ever be the old me, as before? I don't know. To my friends and loved ones, I'm sorry, but even if the world is fully healed, I am not. Please don't ask for a time frame, I do not have one. And please don't worry about me either. All I ask is for your understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. And if you have any similar feelings or stories you'd like to share, please feel free. As hard as it was to get this out, I think it helps.
The pandemic definitely began terribly and still remains dark for me, the loss of all security, the loss of a job, the loss of a home and the loss of loved ones. That being said the introvert in me thrived beyond belief in the social distancing, I think in that we were the same.
ReplyDeleteAlthough stressed out and filled with depression and anxiety I figured at least with my girl by my side it was all I needed, I'm not a materialistic person whatsoever! I had to get rid of my prized card collection and Nintendo switch to help pay our bills but it didn't really phase me like I thought it would.... turns out it was true, all I needed was HER to feel fulfilled, to feel like there's something worth living for, to feel like I had a purpose and perhaps it was my fault for putting purpose into someone else especially someone who was constantly battling their own demons. I can't tell you the innumerable things I've sacrificed for this person, I thought well if I should die due to this pandemic atleast I would die following my creed:
"Love someone with everything you got! Body mind spirit and soul."
Some would call me a love extremist some would call me a fool but regardless it is the path I take and I hold some pride being a zealot of love. Now all that being said love may be my guiding star but it certainly was not hers. 6 years of giving it my all and attending to her every need she reciprocates with,
" I've always seen you more as a best friend more then anything else .."
The stars in my sky fade away, no light to guide the path and in my all consuming free fall into the cold, dark, empty void that surrounded me, only one light shown through, it wasn't really just one light, more like a coalation of little speckles beaming out from the void to combine into one shinning force! An overwhelming amount of love from the friends my light had ignited along the way.
Just when I began to think about leaving this world that I could no longer bare or understand, this world where my gods are dead, this world were a man with my creed could only find suffering, misery and pain.
That shinning force grew stronger.
I had no longer belong here, had no value with no purpose. Just an irregular anomaly in a vast well of chaos I thought.
Still the light grew brighter.
I still think back to being in that dark dark place and honestly I'm still not too far from it. I still hear it's calls, I still feel the hands of a darker fate tugging and drawing me in but inspite of it all, That shinning strength and love of friendship have given me light and purpose renewed. A soul reignited with love, it wasn't the love I was originally searching for but perhaps more.
As if the big bang itself was created in that very moment i watched the blinding light of love and the crys of all my friends plunge into the murky void as they struggled to pull me out.
It's the light of those around us that give us strength when we loose the strength of the light within. When you feel like your candle has been snuffed out and your world is dark and cold call upon us, rely on us, ask us or simply let us in and sooner or later you will notice how the candles of those around you, the same ones you couldn't see within the void, will collate together and reignite your spirit. Perhaps it took all this pain for me to see the love I have radiated out to those around me and how full of meaning and value it has, I've also seen that same light in you and in more then enough occasions your radiant energy shine like the largest sun ive EVER seen and I just watch your light touch those around you in a warm and almost magical way! For such a monumental beacon to go dark , I'm sure many lights are attempting to find their way to you now. Reach out even if you can't grasp them and I'm sure they will find you and reignite you with everything you've given them and more!!♡